Thursday, 15 January 2015

The First One...

It's coming up to Bubba's first birthday. 

I should be all, Oh I can't believe it. It's gone so fast. It feels like only yesterday we brought her home from hospital. What a year!

It's a little bit true.

But in some ways it has felt like a long time. 

Photo credit, Amanda Tipton

I remember thinking that the first four months were the longest four months of my life. When would she get more independent and be able to sit herself up already? When will she start going back to sleep after her two hourly feeds each night instead of staying up and playing? When will she start sleeping that five hour stretch she did as a one off a week ago more often? When will she eat real food? When can I wear a normal bra again? When will she crawl? 

It felt like I was constantly anticipating the next milestone and every one always took a long time to get to.

Maybe it was the fact I was living at least 30% more life than I used to due to the numerous extra hours of awake time every day.

Don't get me wrong. I relished each stage, each moment and each little leap forward with absolute joy. I have been a very contented mum with a very placid and easily amused bub. I have been VERY lucky. And I have known it all along. I have taken nothing for granted.

It just hasn't been the cliche I thought it would be. 

One year is so momentous and such a huge rite of passage for parent and baby (if I can call her that still). I don't want to say it was a fast year. That's not quite right. At times it was fast and at others it was painfully slow. Maybe parents resort to calling it a fast year because they are trying to verbalise the mix of emotions that come with recognising the passing of that first twelve months. It's gone. It's been lived. It is now a memory, a photo on my iPad, a triple zero onesie that won't be worn by her ever again and that's it.

I think I am falling into the natural response of parents who are going through this 'baby grieving' process by starting to anticipate the next child. The next first twelve months. Whenever my bub has reached a milestone, such as moving out of our room, growing out of a particularly cute outfit or not needing to be rocked to sleep (yes, I'm very lucky) I start thinking how awful it would be to go through this process knowing it was your last child. But that is just me. I know there must be many parents out there popping the bubbly over such thoughts. 

So I am trawling Pinterest for Nursery Rhyme themed cakes and party decoration ideas to celebrate this milestone. My first is having her first birthday. It has been a whole year of parenthood. Sometimes I think I deserve the party. Or at least most of the cake. 

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